Nothing is going right in Nicole’s album campaign. I’m here to offer help. 

I would really like to know who is managing Nicole Scherzinger’s career because they are ruining her. Who in the executive board meeting decided to name her new album (first album?? second album?? I really have no idea) “Big Fat Lie”?? Yes, that is the actual title. Who did the awful font work WHCIH I COULD HAVE DONE ON PHOTOSHOP?! Who didn’t think to themselves, “Nicole’s been trying to release a solo album for eight years. Fergie, Gwen Stefani, Cheryl Cole, Hilary Duff HAVE ALL RELEASED MORE ALBUMS THAN HER, so maybe we should give her a stunning album cover”?! Why did no one think of this?!! 

Granted, Nicole isn’t exactly the most talented popstar. In fact, she’s just kind of there. I think I enjoyed some of her Pussycat Dolls songs. From what I understand, she was the only actual singer in that group and the rest were there for aesthetic reasons. So I guess for that reason she should be commended for giving me bangers like “Buttons” during my teenager years. After PCD, Nicole decided to embark on a solo career. And poor Nicole has been trying it for nearly ten years. She’s nothing if not persistent. Yet I have my doubts about an album being a success when it looks like this and also has such a terrible album name.

I actually kind of enjoyed “Your Love”, the lead single for (grimaces) “Big Fat Lie”. It’s a total eurotrash track full of sexy spoken-word verses (that are somewhat distorted) and a non-existent chorus that I could see myself grinding to in Ibiza. The track debuted somewhere in between number 5 and 10 on the UK’s Vodaphone top 40 but still wasn’t a massive hit. The video was a sexy romp on the beach that got quite good near the end when all of these colors came up out of nowhere in a tribal dance scene. It’s really stunning in 1040 HD. But I’m still waiting for Nicole to be the popstar she wanted to be when she “left” the Pussycat Dolls.

In a recent interview with Official Charts, Nicole said the album title actually has a lot of meaning for her. (????) “We all go through our own battles and hard times and a big fat lie is about how much we mask what is really going on. The album is about me revealing some of my personal struggles and facing them head on,” she said somewhat convincingly. “Once you realize something is a lie, you are on your way to the truth, where you will find your own clarity, peace and acceptance.” This is all nice and a great explanation for a song, but can we at least pick an album title that is not so easy to become a punch line?? Perhaps “Global Songstress”?? So whenever people announce the album title it will precede her name and no one will be able to dispute Nicole’s undoubtable world dominance. This is how you rewrite history, Nicole.

A few weeks ago Nicole released her second single for BFL titled “On the Rocks.” It is not very good. The video reminds me of Jennifer Lopez’s “First Love” and looks like her label just threw in the towel.

I’m not even a fan of Nicole’s but I hate seeing an artist struggle to find their real worth. She deserves some sort of justice for how hard she’s tried to be a huge popstar. Her videos need a bigger budget. She needs to learn how to release more dance tracks as singles. And she also needs a killer album campaign that features stunning album artwork, flawless costumes and a good performance. I know she’s been trying to happen for years, but maybe if all of these points were executed well she’d have herself an arena tour.

But if all of this fails and BFL is forgotten by the Christmas season, at least Nicole still has lovely hair.



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