This is what Kim Kardashian: Hollywood has taught me about life

In case you’re living under a rock and don’t know that Kim Kardashian released the best selling game of 2014 (she stands to earn $200 million for it), then this article will be very beneficial to you. If you HAVE been playing Kim K: Hollywood, well then sit back and get ready to add to my list of everything I’ve learned from playing this game.

You see, when I first downloaded Hollywood, I was looking for a job IRL. I was distressed and afraid of what post-college life would bring me. Kim Kardashian brought me solace. Upon opening the game I had the choice of being a girl or a boy; guys are always boring in LA so I chose to be a girl named Gabriella (Why the eff I chose Gabriella as a name I’ll never know–this isn’t High School Musical) My good friend Kim found me on the streets of LA, looking distraught but pretty and took me under her wing. From there she gave me cute yet sometimes hideous clothes (like that awful champagne, mermaid dress–bitch probably threw it out of her closet), a freakin mODELING CONTRACT and a part-time job at every Kardash store in the nation and eventually MY OWN BOUTIQUE WITH SO CHIC. 

As one Tumblr user wrote, the Hollywood game has done amazing things for Kimberley’s brand. Now whenever I see Kim on a magazine I don’t just think, “There’s Kim Kardashian, international superstar”; I think, “There is my good friend Kim who made me rich, gave me lovely clothes and made sure I knew how to hustle for a dollar.”

As shocking as it may seem to some of you, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood promotes good work ethic! Here’s why: if you slack off and don’t play the game for more than a day your fame dwindles. When you first become a starlet in Hollywood, you’re D list. In order to successfully become A list you must meet every creepy photographer in the world, do thousands of awful photo shoots, make some boring nightclub appearance, sacrifice your dignity by dating as many guys (or girls) as you can, and finally battle your arch-nemesis Willow Page who I always imagine having a voice like Quinn on Daria. Not working or being talked about means you’re failing at life. If you’re lazy you simply lose rank in life. These were sage words as I continued on my job hunt.

Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is more than just a game; IT’S A LIFESTYLE. Kimmy has worked hard with her game designers (or whatever the heck they do) to ensure that not only do you have the best clothing options from her own wardrobe, but you also have the best locations to buy houses and throw parties in. As you will see in this lovely example below, Kim literally took her favorite clothes out of her closet and put them into the game, as found on Angelarm:

Kim in Paris
Kim in Paris

Screen Shot 2014-10-14 at 9.36.22 PM

Kim in a beautiful blue dress on the red carpet
Kim in a beautiful blue dress on the red carpet
Kim in Vienna. THIS IS MY PERSONAL FAVORITE
Kim in Vienna. THIS IS MY PERSONAL FAVORITE

The best outfits, courtesy of Kim’s K Collection, cost the most amount of money via K-Stars. These stars are eXTREMELY hard to attain but they can be spent on the most luxurious things “life” has to offer: new hair, clothes or pets. In order to successfully become a fashionista you must drop big bucks on clothes in the game as much as possible. If you don’t your boyfriend or girlfriend will make fun of you, you’ll lose fans and no one will take your picture. IN OTHER WORDS YOUR LIFE WILL BE RUINED. So I suggest you become a fashion icon.

My favorite part about Kim K Hollywood is that I can have as many boyfriends as I want–until I become serious with someone. My first serious boyfriend Adrian and I were madly in love. I bought him a beautiful three-piece suit, got rid of his tacky sunglasses/ bro-outfits and eventually we were the hottest pair at Panino (that is the chic restaurant in Downtown LA). That is until he dumped me because I forgot to pay attention to him for a day. Christ, can these characters be any more needy? Also how true is this to real life? Anyway, now I am dating Diego, a popstar. Last night in Venice, Italy, Diego told me he loved me and after reading the game cheats I found out I’m three dates away from him popping the question. We’ll probably get divorced but whatever. It’s true love for the moment, see:

photo

Above all, I am learning that I will not get nowhere if I’m rude to people. The game gives you the option to retalliate to many terrible things that happen to you courtesy of Willow (it’s always her). If you choose to, say, throw a drink at her or slap her (which I have done multiple times), you lose fans. It never works in your favor. Although sometimes I can afford to lose a million or so. But when I am nice to people or simply ignore Willow, my fans increase drastically. So there’s a big lesson in itself: be nice to people and more people will like you.

Despite how shallow and superficial the game is, there is a level of it that is hilariously real. So many characters are lifted from actual people in the entertainment business: from Paris Hilton’s clone as Willow Page to Anna Wintour playing the scheming, snooty fashion editor who takes an instant liking to you if you act cold and aloof around her. Obviously, none of these were Kim’s ideas (I picture her sitting in a board room meeting as middle aged gay men present the plan; her eyes light up, she smiles and whispers, “Yeaaaah…..”) but they are still brilliant.

And now, on my lunch break at my REAL job I am playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood; because even though it’s nice to earn fake money in a game, it’s even better to earn real money at a good job.

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6 thoughts on “This is what Kim Kardashian: Hollywood has taught me about life

  1. I’m gonna start sending this to people who laugh when I tell them that I play this game. It’s actually fun, and their updates are useful!

    Like

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